When I look back I see that fear, guilt and trauma ruled my life from early childhood. I experienced in my family, in kindergarten, in school, at work and in all other kinds of relationships, that we could hurt each other in many subtle ways, and that I needed a good defence. It seemed as if we were all trying to get at each other all the time, under the pretence of “love”.
I learned that “the right” behaviour got me what I wanted, and that I could either act out my feelings and thoughts or suppress them and pretend. Neither way gave me lasting peace. I had to hold up my defences all the time and be on guard. Every relationship seemed to be very fragile and ruled by fear and guilt, not consciously but subconsciously. I learned when we deserve “love” and when we don’t. Do we fulfil the need or expectation of others? We are either IN, and if not we are OUT.
I felt very vulnerable. I could say something and another person could interpret and distort the whole meaning of what I was saying, and a relationship could be ruined. The result of projecting guilt away from myself and on to others, or making myself guilty felt equally painful. Most of all I felt overwhelmed and victimised by outside happenings and circumstances. No wonder I ended up feeling righteously sad, angry, imprisoned and without hope.
At the age of 38 I hit the wall. The inner pain and hopelessness I felt was unbearable. I had searched for answers to my questions about this life, but no answer really seemed to take me to the roots of the misery I felt inside. I somehow just knew that there had to be another way.
In the autumn of 1989 I held A Course in Miracles in my hands, intuitively knowing that this was what I had searched for my whole life, and that this book pointed to that other way…
During the last 21 years I have been and still am in an undoing process, which A Course in Miracles guides me through. I am letting go of my old way of thinking – that only made me unhappy and without hope – in order to achieve right-mindedness, a true perception that brings lasting inner peace. I use the principles presented here on this blog in all relationships.
I am still often tempted by my old way of thinking, but it ruins my peace instantly and I am soon ready to change my mind and make another choice.
I am letting go of the belief that I am not deserving of Love. I understand that what we call love here has nothing to do with Love, but that it is only a conditional limited love that we are capable of here. Believing and remembering that I AM true unconditional LOVE is my daily assignment. Only accepting this premise makes me capable of loving truly.
Bless us all
Marianne
